Monday, June 13, 2005


Do you know Fred? I hate Fred. For many, many years Fred was the bane of my existence. Once a month. Or more specifically for about 12-13 days of the month.

And if you are a man and for some strange reason you are reading this... Fred is the name I give my monthly visitor. Feel free to run away screaming now.

Anyhow Fred was very mean. Fred would come and drain me so badly of blood that I would have to take iron supplements. Seriously. Wearing double protection and changing that every hour or so. It was soooo bad. And during the draining or more specifically the hemorrhaging, it hurt. Like someone was just churning my insides. But I coped. I am woman. Hear me roar. And hey, I wasn't getting any. The last time I got any from my ex was the conception of my now 5.75 year old son. And we didn't get divorced until January 2003. You do the math.

But then when I met the good man (the current husband) being "incapacitated" for 12 or 13 days was not cool. So finally I visited my doctor. And since we knew that hormonal birth control did not A. prevent pregnancies* or B. stem the red tide, he suggested a handy dandy surgery. Long story short (too late!) I now have no actual Fred to speak of. Like I haven't bought anything more heavy duty than a panty liner for over a year. So yay!

But not yay. Fred is not happy that I stopped him from draining me. I think he was doing something evil with all the iron he sucked out of my body. Something dark and having to do with vampires... (or else I watch too much buffy/angel).

So now Fred punishes me in new exciting ways. Because hormonal birth control does not prevent pregnancy*, my tubes are tied. But mid "cycle" I get ovulation cramps now. WTF? I never knew there was such a thing. It's like the old days with Fred, but without the hemorrhaging. Nostalgic even.

But wait. There's more. Right before I don't bleed, Fred delivers more cramps. Like walking down the aisle at Publix drop the wheat thins and fall to your knees cramps. And no I'm not exaggerating. Scared the bejeebers out of the man.

So now the cramps come twice every 25 days. Cause I'm so blessed to have a short cycle.

I never used to have the mood swings. The crazy, everything sucks, I'm gonna bite your head off because you left your turn signal on for an extra nanosecond mood swings. But now I do. I messed with mother nature, or more specifically Fred, and he makes me pay.

I hate Fred.

*Big J is my depo-provera baby - Little J is my ortho tri-cyclen baby. And no I didn't do anything "wrong" according to the sucky birth control rules. They were just meant to be. :)

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